Friday, 7 July 2017

This is an apology....

As some may notice, I haven't written a blog post in about a year. There is good reason for this: I started college last September to make up for missing qualifications due to being unable to attend school full time. This in itself took up a lot of my time, thus giving me little to no time to write. But also, unfortunately, the stress of attending college triggered a relapse of my eating disorder. I required hospitalisation  for the majority of May because my mental illness and physical health spiralled quickly to crisis point.
I am dedicating this post to my body. In the past few weeks/months, I have acquired a overwhelming appreciation for my body, and the things it does for me. I feel the need to publicly apologise to my body for the mistreatment and hate it has had to endure over the years. These wrong doings are my own actions, and mine alone. I Failed to recognise the amazing things my body does simply to keep me alive. The intricate details of keeping my heart beating, my cells respiring and my neurones firing. The pure will power and effort to maintain all of this went unnoticed and unappreciated by myself, and instead I responded with hateful actions.
I understand that the actions I took were not of my own but instead due to illness which plagued my mind and altered my perception of myself and the world around me. But, I still want to apologise for the way I have treated you, body. You have done nothing but give and work to keep me alive. I am humbled by your dedication to me despite getting nothing but shame, hate and mistreatment in return.
I have scars, lumps, bumps, cellutite, spots, bruises, fat and imperfections of all sorts and varieties, and for a very long time I have felt shame because of this. This shame clouded my ability to understand how amazing you are, body. I can hike mountains, climb challenging routes on the climbing wall, go horse riding, run 10k with ease, participate in yoga practices, travel the world, stand up on stages and speak to audiences, and go about my daily routine. None of this would be possible without my body enabling me. How my body looks to me and to others is of no importance now that I realise and appreciate how hard my body works to enable me to do these things.
From now on, body, I will seek to nourish you properly, I will aim to make you strong instead of trying to get you to fit my own and society's idea of beauty, and I promise to listen to your calls for rest. I also forgive myself for my actions of hate and shame, I don't have room for regret in my mind. Those actions where from illness and not of choice, therefore I cannot justify further worry or guilt over them.
The future seems much brighter now that I am choosing to work with my body, and not against it. The present is a lot less distressing now I have understood my body for what it is. The past is behind me, I have learnt new lessons and I can turn a new page in my story now.

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